For a whole myriad of reasons in the past year I seem to be going through an early mid-life crisis at the age of 29. My family life was shook to the core in October, I left my career of 4 years as a biologist for a state agency to move to a new state. At the time of this move it was the first time since I was 14 years old that I was unemployed. Within a week I picked up a job in a field that I had no prior experience. The transition from life as being simply a husband to having one child with a second on the way hasn't been easy on me mentally or emotionally and in all honesty I have been putting myself through an extreme mental beating wondering WHAT IN THE HELL I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE!
My new career is with a company that pays OK but its extremely dangerous work. I’m worn down with injuries that I accumulated from my previous (somewhat) successful athletic career. I know I won't be able to be capable of doing the job in 5-10 years due to the joints being unable to take it. Even if I my body could take it I will it will be nearly impossible to ever be able to retire even with utilizing extremely frugal financial practices. Sadly it’s not a question on IF I’m going to get hurt, it’s a matter of WHEN and HOW BADLY. Even with knowing the above I’m AFRAID TO STEP AWAY FROM THE JOB AND PURSUE SOMETHING I WANT TO PURSUE.
After recently moving to Minnesota and leaving my previous career and career path behind I’m looking at jobs and opportunities around here and guess what???? There’s not a single thing around here that I would be interested in pursuing as a career. My skill set in different avenues does not line up with the things in this area. Now just to get it out there, I will be more than happy to just work a job to put food on the table for my family and open opportunities for my kids but if I can do something that gives something back to people and provides me with personal fulfillment and purpose then I want to pursue that. If I’m not going to ever be able to retire or pay for my children to go to college or to take my kids all over the world for vacations due to career dependent pay then I think I would rather choose an avenue that provides me with personal fulfillment, allows me to help people, and allows me to be a deep positive influence on my children then I know which one I’m going to take!
Flashback
I’ve known what I wanted to do since I was 14 years old however I’m not doing it. From the time I told my parents what I wanted to do I was told how the idea was stupid and would never work. From that point on every single thing I thought I might enjoy doing I would run through the “chain of command” always looking for affirmation about anything I wanted to do. “That’s stupid, you’ll never get enough interest, that’ll never work, that wouldn’t last around here, you can't do that because of "reason x", you don’t like doing this so how could you do that?” The list goes on and on and on and on and you know what it’s all my fault.
MY FEAR OF FAILURE AND NEED FOR AFFIRMATION HAS BEEN THE SOLE LARGEST LIMITATION IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. You know what the sad thing about this is? I am my worst enemy. I am the one that is shortchanging my own life. I allow peoples opinions to throw my world into chaos and make me not believe what my inner voice is telling me. I’VE ALWAYS LIVED IN A WORLD OF DOUBT THAT I HAVE CAST UPON MYSELF SIMPLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN MY OWN INTELLIGENCE, WORK ETHIC, OR BELIEFS.
So where am I going with this????
My fear of failure has cost me every single fulfilling thing that I have ever pursued or dreamed to pursue. My fear of failure cost me a wrestling state title, cost me a successful family life previously, cost me years of life in unfulfilling pursuits, etc.
Why?
Fear of failure for this portion of my life has paralyzed me into not taking action towards ANYTHING that I wanted to do or build. I wanted to be a strength coach for high school athletes from the time I was 14 years old. I wanted to be there for young athletes that WANT and NEED to get better (from their stand point) to reach some insurmountable goal that they for some reason want to achieve. I wanted to be there for the kids that wanted to train to be better but had coaches that weren’t willing to help them in the off season. I want to open up opportunities otherwise not available to these athletes. I wanted to be there for the youth that is lost and has no idea what to do with life because of the untold family situation they are going through. I want to motivate people to know that they can do what they want to do if they finally go after it. I’ve thought for a long time that there is more to people accomplishing their goals than anyone thinks and frankly these things have nothing to do with finances, opportunity, or experience. It has everything to do with them SIMPLY BELIEVING IN THEMSELVES THAT THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER AND IT IS WORTH PURSUING!
Since then I’ve overcome some extremely terrible circumstances due to screw ups that I made training myself as a youngster not knowing any better. I’ve lost 100 lbs that was put on because I couldn’t walk for two years due to a knee injury that came from my wrestling career. I know the struggle of people afraid to step on the scale because they know it will throw them into a depression fueled tail spin. I know what its like for people to laugh at my physical fitness goals, I know what its like to be told I can’t lose the weight, and finally I know what its like to look at the goal and be ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED because of how unattainable the goal seems! And you know what?? I think it's my purpose in life to help people to NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.
NOT BELIEVING IN YOURSELF This is something I have fought with since I’ve become an adult. I’ve felt like I've never lived up to my potential in anything other than helping people that legitimately have no idea what to do on a fitness, weight loss, life betterment journey, or the pursuit of an athletic goal. Helping people has always fulfilled me and that’s what I’m going to bank my future on PERIOD.
The funny thing about this is that since the move and leaving behind my safety net of a career I’ve slowly been realizing what actually makes me happy, who I want to be, and the person that I want to be. This is all very fulfilling information and has been enough for me to finally decide that that I want to pursue what it I want to do and have started to work towards where I want to be. I finally have my vision of my life that I want and in the moments of trying to figure out some ins and out of where I can find what I need once again that same old garbage is spoken by another mentor “That won’t work” “A gym wont make it.”
Well guess what??? You’re either in or you’re in the way. I may fail but you know what??? GODDAMMIT I’M TIRED OF NOT TRYING. NO MORE WISHING Everyone is more than ready to tell you what wont work or what’s not possible. But guess what? No one is willing to tell you WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING or WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOUR IDEA SUCCEED! You know why???? Because (and I mean this in the most respectful way possible) NO ONE GIVES A FLYING F*** ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. It doesn’t directly affect them or how they pay their bills so they don’t give a shit and there is nothing wrong with that as long as YOU know It’s easier for them to shoot down your idea than it is to provide some thoughtful positive insight. The difference is that this is YOUR life and don’t let anyone have the power over you to say “NO THAT WON’T WORK” ever again.
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